Falling off of the Wagon

Hell I didn't just fall off the wagon, I left the freaking reservation. 

We all do it.
Whether it's dieting, exercising, or learning how to play the piano. We all quit at some point or another and have to start completely over.

We as humans fail. 

That's not important.
What is important is what you do when you realize you have failed. 
How a person handles failure says a lot about them. It shows if they have grace and dignity, or if they can still throw a tantrum like a toddler.

I am writing today to be held accountable for my recent actions and, or inaction.  

I have stopped counting calories.
I have stopped consistently having two shakes a day.
I have begun eating fast food again.
I have stopped exercising. COMPLETELY.
I have stopped drinking the correct amount of water I need each day.
I have had several cokes.
I have visited Starbucks one too many times here lately. 
I have become complacent.

Most importantly I have forgotten that I am NOT done.
I have forgotten that my goal is 140 pounds not 190.

I will no longer let myself believe losing 50 pounds is enough. I will get my act together and resume the journey I began in June. I will inspire others again. I will make myself proud. 

I welcome anyone to remind me each and everyday of the promise I am making right now.

I will get back on track. I will hit my ultimate goal. I will not let a few unproductive weeks keep me from achieving the thing I want the most. To be slim.

IT WILL HAPPEN. As long as I climb my fat butt back up on the stupid wagon.

The Liebster Award

Diane from Just Simply D tagged yours truly in the Liebster Award! I beginning to love this blogging thing :) 

If you have been living under a rock the past few days and haven't looked at any blogs, I'll give you an idea of what the Liebster Award is. Diane informed me that "Liebster" means favored or favorite (yep that's me).
Once nominated, each person is supposed to post 11 things about themselves. Then they are supposed to answer the 11 questions that the person who nominated them has written. At the end of my rant... I mean post I will choose (hopefully) 11 new persons to nominate that have 200 followers or less and have not been nominated before.... So here goes!

11 Things About this Crazy Chick:

1. I am a the biggest chicken IN. THE. WORLD. Really people I have nightmares after watching Scooby Doo.
2. I found my husband on Myspace. Luckily we have lasted longer than it did!
3. Our 3 year old daughters life ambition right now is to shoot zombies... thank you walking dead. (Her daddy let her watch it. NOT ME!)
4. I think Robert Downey Jr. is WAY sexier than Chris Hemsworth. Age difference be damned!
5. I have spent enormous amounts of time baking and decorating cakes. Go check out my facebook page Aunt Bea's Treats. I also teach Adult Cake Decorating Classes :)
6. I am not shy, not one tiny bit. Sometimes I wish I was...
7. I don't own any plain socks. I need crazy patterns so I can party like it's 1999 when I take my shoes off!
8. I have read every Nancy Drew book every written.
9. I love roller coasters!
10. I spend way to much time on facebook/pinterest.
11. I have re-textured and painted my entire house by myself. (I am totally out of interesting things about me)

My answers for Diane's questions:

1) Iphone or Android? Android Android Android! I NEED a back button!
2) Do you have an siblings, how many, are you oldest or youngest? I have a brother and a sister and I am the baby by more than 10 years! (explains a lot huh?!?!)
3) Do you drink any soda? If so what is your favorite? Not anymore... but it used to be Coke or nothing!
4) Do you write in cursive or print the majority of the time? I don't even know if I know how to write in cursive anymore... Pitiful I know.
5) What is a habit you wish you could break? Speaking without thinking!!!
6) If someone told you that you could see a loved one that has passed for 15 minutes, who would it be and what would you say? My great grandmother. She died when I when I was a teenager and I'm not sure I knew how big of an influence she was to me. I'm positive I never told her and I would like to.
7) Are you a list person, a coupon queen? What helps you stay organized on shopping trips? List person yes, coupon queen, not hardly! I would die without my "Out of Milk" app on my phone!
8) Do you have a "hidden" talent no one really knows about? Nope can't think of a thing...
9) Can you paint your nails on your non-dominant hand and it look good? Yes I can!
10) What is one thing you wish you could take a class to become better at? Writing HTML ;)
11) Do you say I love you to people you love before you hang up the phone with them? Not all of them.

My questions for the ladies I nominate:

1. Do you always think the book is better than the movie?
2.  Who has inspired you the most in you life?
3. If you could go back and change just one thing, what would it be?
4. If you could travel to any point in time what person would you travel to see?
5. Team Edward or Team Jacob? (I'm laughing out loud writing that one!)
6. Have you ever suffered through a bloody movie for your significant other?
7. Have you ever had the "naked" dream?
8. Do you think your vote counts?
9. If someone gave you a motorcycle, would you ride it? 
10. If you could fast forward through all of the previews you will see the rest of your life would you?
11. Have you ever baked from scratch? 

These are the Lovely Ladies I'm nominating: (please forgive me if I am nominating you for a second time and disregard the nomination) 

Meggan at Our Naturally Bare Adventure 
Jules at So Totally Life! 
Jennifer at My Quest for Personal Happiness 

I am quite honestly have a really hard time finding any other blogs that haven't already been nominated! If you haven't been and would like to participate please feel free to consider yourself nominated by me :)

Thanks Diane for tagging me! I had fun playing along :)

How did it get so bad?

230 pounds... There are no words

This is a question I seem to ask myself a thousand times a week. 

The answer is life happened. (And I am a fantabulous cook!)

I love to cook, and I love to eat even more.

What I don't love is being a fat-ass.What I really hated was teaching my daughter that there was nothing I could do about it.

Chocolate Cake, Chocolate Cheesecake, Chocolate Pie, Chocolate Covered Strawberries... Anyone seeing a pattern???

So back to the question at hand. How did it get so bad? 

In the beginning I felt like I was a recovering alcoholic in so many ways.
And I was recovering from an addiction just not from alcohol.

I was a food addict. 

Whew I said it... I was 100% addicted to FOOD.

I would find myself driving through my favorite fast food restaurants on the way home from town and ordering $15-$20 worth of food just for myself. Then I would EAT. IT. ALL. I also needed to do it while watching a show I liked or reading a book. I was trying to escape reality, the reality where I knew it was wrong to eat 3 double cheeseburgers, a large order of fries and a 20 piece McNugget while slurping down a extra large coke all by myself.

I was in denial about my addiction for a really long time. But when I realized I would NEVER have done this in front of anyone else, it seemed to click that I had a problem.

When I look at that picture above I can hardly believe that was me. I DIDN'T feel that big. I never saw myself that way.

But it WAS me. The only reason I can look at that picture without hating myself is the peace that comes with knowing, it will never be me again.

I have not eaten at my favorite spots since June 15th. I'm not saying I haven't had fast food, I have. But never at the places I used to frequent. I'm not sure I will ever be able to go back through those places and not want to eat the way I used to. So I don't go.

I can say we ate at a taco place a few nights ago and I had a really unhealthy (amazing tasting) quesadilla, and I was sick minutes after eating it. I'm proud to say my body has learned the difference between the crap and the good stuff.

I'd also like to put a little blame on my wonderful, supportive, amazing husband. He never once told me I was too fat. He never once said I just can't be with you anymore. He never quit loving me through the worst of it all. He told me I was Beautiful ever single day. Because of all of these things I love him more than words can express. He let me come to this decision to change all by myself, never pushing me to be a stick thin trophy wife (although I don't think he would mind very much). It is because of him and our daughter that I have put so much effort into being a healthier person inside and out.

 My husband (aka Big Pimpin') and myself at 240lbs in May -  My niece Gracey and myself at 200lbs in October.

 I know everyone has to have their own wake up call, and if you need one I hope it comes quickly. Life is worth living so go out and do it! Don't wait until you are where I was. Love yourself enough to take care of your body.

YOU ARE WORTH IT!

I know it has been a while... We had computer issues then vacation and life just kept right on going without waiting on me to write a blog post.

A little about the cruise. We had a blast :) I ate everything on the boat. No really, my mission was to eat my way through everything I hadn't allowed myself to eat at home. It was divine. I had pasta and cheesecake and pasta and hamburgers and pasta and bread and chocolate melting cake and pasta... you get the picture. I ATE CARBS!!! Oh how I had missed them. The bad news, I gained 6 EFFING POUNDS OMG. The good news I have already lost them plus 1 more so no biggie!

                                               The Hubs and I waiting to go on our excursions!

The boys went deep sea fishing and we went to a all inclusive island and laid around all day. If you are ever in Cozumel on a Carnival Cruise I highly recommend the Isla Passion by Twister. SO MUCH FUN!

Since we have been home I have started the 30 Day Shred by Jillian *The Devil* Michaels. I took some before pics and my measurements. I don't know if I will post the pics they are pretty gross, but I can tell you after 5 days of level 1 and 2 days of level 2 I have lost a WHOLE INCH in my upper arms!!! That is a pretty big deal since I had only lost 1 inch previously in my upper arms after losing 40lbs. I also can tell a huge difference in my endurance and I have more energy overall.

My new short term goal is to lose 20lbs by Christmas morning. That is an average of 2 pounds per week and it will be almost 10% of my body weight. If I hit that goal it will bring my total weight loss to date up to 60lbs... I can't think of a better Christmas present!

It is going to take a lot of hard work and will power to get through the holidays and still lose weight but I am confidant I can do it. I get to start exercising that will power tonight because my nieces are coming over to make Halloween cookies and a pumpkin cake with a chocolate pecan frosting. Lord give me strength!!!

               Here is a dining room picture. I can almost still taste the Warm Chocolate Melting Cake!


Since my last post we have also had my daughter's 3rd birthday party :( I know it's cliche but seriously I can't believe it has been 3 years! I will leave you guys today with some pics from her party... Yes I had a piece of cake :)

Her cake! This is what I do in my spare time ;) and I have still managed to lose 42lbs!

Blowing out her candles!

Some cousins having fun :)

That's my baby!

Well I ran a mile. I still don't believe it. I guess I need to give you my definition of "run" before I start claiming I actually did or did not do it!!!

 Run - verb. To move at a speed faster than a walk. Not having both feet on the ground at the same time.

Please take notice that this definition says NOTHING about having to run fast!!! It took me 17 minutes and 18 seconds to knock that shit out but I DIDN'T STOP ONCE!!! I'm pretty proud :) My personal best up to this point was 3 tenths of a mile and running 7 minutes in a row without stopping. I killed that last night! Remember people I am not in shape. I still weigh almost 200 pounds (199 this morning) and I'm only 5'5". This was no small feat. I'm not saying that to toot my own horn (well I kinda am) but mostly to motivate those of you who say you can't! I don't want to hear any of that crap again.

It was probably the hardest thing I have done in 5+ years. I haven't pushed myself like that in so long I honestly don't remember the last time I did. I started out thinking I would just try to go as long as I could. Once I got past the 10 minute mark I had ran over half a mile.  At that point I was pretty sure I was dying a slow and painful death, but I kept going. After the 15 minute mark I was pretty much numb, but I was SOOOO close to that mile I wouldn't stop. I don't know if I would have stopped for a double decker bus I wanted it so bad. SO. I. KEPT. GOING. Is anyone seeing a pattern here??? I have quotes all over my house and one of my favorites is "Unless you puke, faint, or die keep going" well thank you Jillian Michaels I think I almost did all three at the same time!

Since I'm sitting here writing a post about it we all know I didn't die. I RAN A MILE. I haven't felt this sense of accomplishment in years. I honestly felt more accomplished last night laying on my living room floor than I have felt after losing 40 pounds. That is saying something! I think for the first time EVER I experienced "Runners High". Guess what folks... I want to again. STAT!


Now get off your butts and do something. You have no idea how much your body can handle until you try.

                                 Laying in the floor dying after running a whole mile EEEEKKK!!!
                                    (I sure hope those legs get some sun on the cruise next week)

Now that I have told y'all about the moment I decided to change my life, I am going to tell you a little about how I did it. 

First I want to mention that I am far from a nutritionist or a physical trainer. I have found my information from the reliable internet and in no way have consulted a doctor about any of this. I know my own limits and this has all worked well for me. If you feel like you need to consult your doc before implementing any of this please do so.

Last weekend my husband took my daughter and me to the Antique Tractor Show. They always have a blood drive there so I thought I would try giving. I am actually a gallon donor and I gave all the time before I became to unhealthy to qualify. I really missed giving (I know I'm a freak!) so I was pretty excited to try. I told the first lady that I wasn't sure if my numbers would be good enough to give, but she said they would be happy to check. A little background in case you don't know me. I delivered my daughter eight weeks early due to preeclampsia. My blood pressure was sky high (like 211 over 121 when they put me in the hospital) so I have since then been terrified to have it taken. The lady sat me down and told me to relax (yeah freaking right) and proceeded to take it. It was GREAT ( I was like what, don't screw with me about this) but she said it was perfect! Then she pricked my finger to see if my iron was high enough for me to give RBC's (red blood cells) and it was actually way higher than it needed to be! I was ecstatic! Here I was thinking I might be able to give blood... and I actually got to give RBC's which is way cooler than giving regular old blood!

When you give RBC's they actually spin your blood on site to separate the red blood cells from the plasma and then they put the plasma and saline back in your body. The nurse taking my blood called another nurse over to us and said look at her plasma, then she told me I had the prettiest plasma she has seen in months! That's right my plasma freaking rocks! So I asked her what makes plasma pretty or ugly, and she said it's all about diet! I told this story to say that not only have I lost 40 pounds in a little over 90 days but my numbers have corrected in as much time. Go me!

My diet is a lot less like a diet and a lot more like a lifestyle change. I remember HATING to hear that phrase before I began my journey. Every time someone said lifestyle change I remember wanting to stab them in the eye (seriously). It felt like they were telling me I wasn't living my life right. Since I have started I have realized that this is a permanent change. I will never be able to eat the way I used to. No more fast food every day, or eating right before bed. Sure I splurge every now and then but my treats are few and far between. 99% of the time I am eating healthy. However now when I do eat something like a piece of birthday cake I feel like it's something special to be cherished and I don't share that shit when I finally get a piece either!

I began by watching what I ate, mostly I was cutting portion sizes in half or more. It wasn't until I started Body by Vi and counting calories that I actually lost weight. I remember that first week of drinking shakes and counting calories I dropped around eight pounds. I know that was mostly water weight but it felt freaking awesome anyway! I drink two shakes a day and I have one sensible meal. I usually try to eat lunch so I can have a shake for dinner. It is a little frustrating to watch my husband eat a meal while I'm drinking dinner, but I deal. I have implemented several new eating rules and as a result I have been quite sucessful. I hardly ever eat carbs after lunch, and any carbs I do eat are whole grain good carbs. I never (this is that 99% of the time I was talking about earlier) eat empty carbs, for example white pasta, white bread, sodas etc... I try my hardest to close the kitchen before 6pm (I'm in bed by 9 so it's earlier in my house than most). I drink a ton of water, no really I think I'm sprouting gills on my neck.

Most importantly I count calories. This is in my opinion the key to weight loss. It is the secret that's not much of a secret. You can calculate the number of calories your body needs to maintain your weight or achieve fat loss. There are several different websites that you can use, just google Calorie Calculator. It's also a good idea to make sure you are getting enough protein and fiber. These are two things that will help you be successful because they make you feel full longer. I have also done a lot of reading on spices and the benefits they have but that is a whole other post :)

Along with a balanced diet I TRY (key word) to workout several times a week. I'm not gonna lie it's hard. I just haven't been very motivated lately to get up and move. I hope starting this blog will give me some motivation! Hold me to it people!!!  When I do workout I alternate running (or I should say huffing it at my faster than a walk pace) and strength training, yoga, pilates, etc... When I began running I used a Couch to 5K program but now I am just kinda winging it. If you are interested in C25K google it and you will find all kinds of different programs for whatever level you are at. I would love to run a 5K in November with my best friend who is coming home for a while, so I guess I need to find a serious program and start training (shoot me in the face!).

I hope this info helps! Again I am no professional I have just found something that works for me and I want to share it with whoever feels like listening to me ramble. Happy Healthy Eating!

                         June of 2010 240 pounds                                       September of 2012 200 pounds


IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS PEOPLE!

My very first blog post is of course going to be about my Ah Ha moment. What is an Ah Ha moment you say. Well I'll tell you. It's when you look at yourself in a mirror or recent photo and say "Shit, what have I done to myself." Now I'm not promising there won't be pictures of cute kids or an adoring husband posted in the future, but for now I'm going to stick to the down and dirty. The nitty gritty of how freaking fat I had gotten. Yep folks, FREAKING FAT I said it. Which brings me back to my Ah Ha Moment.

Looking back I know now there were several moments leading up to the big Moment when my life would forever be changed. But today I am going to tell you about the one that did it, the moment I decided I was worth more. I remember very well waking up and thinking can I just go back to sleep. Because seriously whats the point in getting out of bed if you can't stand to look in the mirror. That was how so many of my days seemed to start. But I got up, for some reason my 2 year old likes to eat three times a day. Go figure. I got the turd a bowl of cereal (with milk because she's a big girl) and booted up the old computer. I was randomly going through some pictures when I came across this one.

                                                                     Sad I know.

This picture was taken in October of 2011. I was so pathetic. I remember telling the photographer that the goal was to make me look smaller. And she did a great job. In other pictures. But here was this one that wasn't so misleading. I would guess I weighed around 230 pounds in this picture. I am 5'5" folks. That means obese in laymens terms. Between October of 2011 and June of 2012 I would gain another 10 pounds and have a BMI of 40. So it was while sitting on my fat butt and looking at this picture that I simply said to myself I am worth more. I owe myself a better life. I owe my daughter a better future.

Luckily I also decided to do something about it; and I have spent the past 90+ days working toward that future. I am a firm believer that weight loss is completely mental. You have to decide for yourself that it is time to do something and to stick to it. No one else can give you the drive or motivation it takes to shed the pounds and keep them off. It has to come from within. I remember last Christmas and Thanksgiving my mom was dieting and every time she would say no I can't eat that, I would think WELL I CAN, and I would shovel some more in. Because I wasn't ready to commit to a new lifestyle I practically shunned anyone who was. I knew deep down I needed to do something but I just wasn't there.

I have always, seriously freaking ALWAYS been overweight. But I knew I had reached a new low and I could either sink further, or become a woman my daughter will be proud to call her mother. So I came up with a goal. My husband and I along with another couple are going on a cruise in October. I decided if I hadn't lost 30 pounds by the time we set sail I wouldn't take any spending money with me. That's right I wouldn't be able to drink, shop, buy pictures, or even indulge in a frozen sugar laden, coffee while on board. Well it seemed to work, I am 40 pounds down and we don't leave for 12 more days! Kiss on the Lips anyone?

                                                   200 pounds (sorry about the bad quality)

I  know I have a long road ahead but looking back at the last 3 months I know I can do this. I have told my husband several times ( he is getting pretty sick of weight loss in our house LOL) that for the first time in my life I know I can do this. I know how to lose weight and keep it off. I know it may take a year or even two but I will wear a bikini for the first time IN MY LIFE. Because I finally have found that determination. Not because I stumbled upon a magic pill or fairy dust that melts fat in front of your eyes. But because I lit a fire under my ass to change, and I will accept nothing less than perfect. Sure I have and will again fall off the wagon. YES I cheat. But for the most part I am a different person. I no longer want to eat crap all the time. Because skinny jeans are in style and this chick is going to look good in a pair!